The Foie Gras Goose of Renaissance Culture

Picking the last bit of solidified sun cream out of my ear, and wondering if that freckle on my forearm has always been that big, I'm back. From that haven of white English middle age and middle class, Tuscany. It's only a matter of time before I develop a taste for beige high-waisted trousers, and sort myself out with a t-shirt that has a ship's wheel picked out in gold on the front ("Like it, Marjorie! Did you get it in Per Una?"). I must learn to hold forth on the amazing varieties of olive oil you can pick up for a snip from this wonderful little gnarled man who still uses the original press made from his great-grandfather's teeth (no way does he just keep a great vat of out-of-date stuff from the local cash and carry, and fill up those fancy little bottles from a plastic vat his son kept motorbike oil in). And as for those fabulous rustic wines...well. Brian got so carried away with a red in one of the trattorias that he smashed his chin off the urinal and had to be taken off in an ambulance. The local mayor thought it was so funny that he sent us over a litre of grappa and wouldn't let us leave the trattoria until we'd drunk every drop. It was quite frightening, actually, he got really aggressive. But it was all marvellous.

I get Giotto-ed out pretty quickly, to be honest, so I like to head off the beaten track a bit when I'm in a big European city. Florence is impressive but a bit po-faced for my liking - a kind of maiden aunt to Siena's naughty niece (can't believe I just wrote that; shoot me now), but there's till fun to be had away from all the cherubs and bored-looking Madonnas (not the chronically over-rated and under-talented variety. You figure out which I mean.). Here are some Top Tuscan Tips.

1. The Archaeological Museum, Florence. Virtually deserted, as everyone else doggedly queues up for three hours in the midday sun to spend thirty seconds being a bit disappointed by 'David'. Walk through miles of empty corridors before hitting room upon room full of bizarre Etruscan and Egyptian treasures, and the finest collection of genuine, B-movie, Nash-the-Slash mummies I've ever seen. 

2. The Science Museum, Florence. You can see Galileo's telescope! The actual one! And his FINGER! The actual one! 

3. Middle aged women, Italy. Nancy Del'Olio has been the most fantastic role-model. Manufacturers of animal print need never fear the global recession, as long as the donnas are around. Have hair, will dye and toss.

4. Men, Italy. Every one of them a Caesar. They long to look into your beautiful eyes, because if the light's shining the right way, they can check out their own reflection there.

5. Abbazia di Mont Oliveto Maggiore. One of the most beautiful places I have ever visited. Thanks to the noisy group of American cyclists, for shattering the peace. Even the silent Benedictine monks must have wanted to shout "Shut the fuck UP about that bloody gradient!" at them. Anyway, check out the frescoes by Il Sodoma. He didn't get that nickname by praying hard.

6. Driving over the hills with the roof down, playing "I Saw Wonders" by David Holmes, as the 'Thousand Towers" of San Gimignano suddenly appear across the valley.

7. The most vivid, ghastly and imaginative 'Last Judgement' I've ever seen, in San Gimignano. The artist obviously lost all sense of restraint. This is what is going to happen to us all - yes, to you too, sir - if we don't change our ways. Check out the detail above. A demon dumps in your mouth for all eternity. Would you even wish it on Thatcher, kids (yes). And as for the poor woman who had obviously been a bit free and easy with her relationships - I can honestly say that modesty forbids me from posting a photo of what the artist had in  mind for her. But it involved a large metal object. The excesses of Catholicism in picture form. Which brings me to..

8. The mummified head of St Catherine of Siena. Plus her finger, hair shirt, and chain that she used to whip herself with. Much good it will have done her. 

9. Eavesdropping. From outward flight on, there were some corkers. I may post some later...

So, what have I missed?